SAFE CROSSING
I have a seed of poetry this Thursday to share about something overheard...something observed. This is how I have learned to write dialogue for my fiction--by sitting in the cafe with my notebook and copying whole conversations from people around me. I don't use these words--I just study them. The cadences, the pauses, the syntax, the slang...I have also been assigning "Found Poetry" activities to my students for quite some time, inspired by the quote from M.C. Richards, "Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance."
My entry point to poetry this week came from a crossing guard at the bookstore--in full uniform, browsing gardening books. Here is my first draft of "overheard poetry". So rough--literally, my initial copy from the notebook...but, here it is anyway:
On Seeing Him
The crossing guard browses between
Stacks of books
a glossy missive about tulips
rests beneath his left arm
a gleaming silver whistle
beneath his right.
"Excuse me," his words and
his shock of white hair
sunglasses nesting in place...
All he doesn't say about
protection for darting innocent eyes.
Gin blossom blooms
in its gentle purple way
across the discolored acreage
where his nose used to be.
You cannot tell me he doesn't know
about the very real need for
safe crossing...
He looks both ways when he traverses the pavement
a slight limp betraying his past,
his instinctive reaching for the whistle
--mid-street--reveals a present state of thought.
The book he's now purchased...
The earth-encrusted bulb on his face...
A buried dream
Of his flowering future.
--by C. Delia Scarpitti, 2006--
I have a seed of poetry this Thursday to share about something overheard...something observed. This is how I have learned to write dialogue for my fiction--by sitting in the cafe with my notebook and copying whole conversations from people around me. I don't use these words--I just study them. The cadences, the pauses, the syntax, the slang...I have also been assigning "Found Poetry" activities to my students for quite some time, inspired by the quote from M.C. Richards, "Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance."
My entry point to poetry this week came from a crossing guard at the bookstore--in full uniform, browsing gardening books. Here is my first draft of "overheard poetry". So rough--literally, my initial copy from the notebook...but, here it is anyway:
On Seeing Him
The crossing guard browses between
Stacks of books
a glossy missive about tulips
rests beneath his left arm
a gleaming silver whistle
beneath his right.
"Excuse me," his words and
his shock of white hair
sunglasses nesting in place...
All he doesn't say about
protection for darting innocent eyes.
Gin blossom blooms
in its gentle purple way
across the discolored acreage
where his nose used to be.
You cannot tell me he doesn't know
about the very real need for
safe crossing...
He looks both ways when he traverses the pavement
a slight limp betraying his past,
his instinctive reaching for the whistle
--mid-street--reveals a present state of thought.
The book he's now purchased...
The earth-encrusted bulb on his face...
A buried dream
Of his flowering future.
--by C. Delia Scarpitti, 2006--
17 Comments:
Loved the last lines " A buried dream of his flowering future..
a thoughtful poem..
incredible (rough? hardly!)
Wow, yes this is lovely and not rough at all. Such hope that we are more than our station in life. Loved this.
a.
What a great capture of a moment in time!
don't change a thing--it's perfect.
I like the words, "excuse me," because, in a sense, that's what we're asked to do as readers. We see him as the narrator, so your poem is doing it's job
There's something exhilarating about posting rough work and drafts.
"Safe crossing," "discolored acreage," "traverses the pavement" -- your use of phrasing is delicate and exact.
Drat. I meant to say, we see him as the narrator does, so your poem is doing its job.
Sorry for the double post.
This is so good. First draft, huh?
Wow! You are so good!
I could see it all so clearly. he looked like someone I know.
:)
This is what your first drafts are like? Wow! So, so lovely.
That's a rough draft? You are VERY good!!! I can see that man :) Brava!
I'll echo most everyone's praise here, really terrific imagery and I like the misdirections.
A few soft, abstract phrases seem stilted, even unnecessary, to me, and I'd give "darting innocent eyes" and "present state of thought" reconsideration as I'd revise.
wonderful poem; enjoyed the cadence.
Ughh...I had the worst time with blogger yesterday.
I love this poem-and that you followed the prompt.
The poem is terrific-even though you say it is just a rough draft.
"very real need for a safe crossing
that is my favorite of this very good poem...
Beautiful! So thoughtful and creative. Well done!
beautiful poem. your writing is so deep.
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