This photo was taken around this time last year by my talented writing friend, Karen Weinstein. To know that I am missing our "reunion" escape in Taos hasn't been easy. I feel as though I'm in need of that healing, support, and silence more now than ever before. This year is ten days old and I'm faltering...Things feel out of control right now. But, really, they're always out of control and we just maintain that illusion. We buy in bulk because we believe we'll be alive to use up the 2,000 packs of fruit snacks...we buy vacation homes with our spouse because we believe we'll always be married...we decide we'll mend our broken relationships and friendships later on because now it's just too difficult--and later on, we believe, we'll have the perspective to open up.
I think I'm over that. I think I'm incapable of anything but raw honesty in 2006. I don't know what planetary alignments might have switched around--which house the moon is in today...(Confession, actually, I do know this: Gemini--because I've bought my We'Moon Anthology Datebook: Love: 2006, have you?) Whatever it is, if you don't want the truth--you probably should avoid me like the plague. Physically, I'm in a lot of pain...nothing compared to what some people have to go through. But, its constant nature has narrowed my perspective to the head of a pin...I don't have the extra energy to try to make myself look better than what I am. I also don't have it to do the same for you.
Last week I attended a wedding shower and on the way there, I had to admit that I didn't know what I was doing with my gift, my beautiful-wild baby girl, or myself. In the store, I told my sister-in-law about my "checkout curse" where I absolutely cannot stop myself from switching lines because the others seem to move faster, better, easier. I made her hop lanes with me--and, as I always do, inadvertently chose the slowest possible one. From the other side, it seemed to be the better cashier--people were coming in and out while I was stuck in place. Had I not let the "grass is greener" mentality get me and stayed where I initially was, I'd have been out of there three minutes earlier. If I could stop doing the "checkout curse" everywhere in my life--I would actually be able to flow through it. When I got some bad news while I was at the shower, I initially thought of splashing my face with icy water, pasting a smile over my fear, and soldiering on through the bridal bingo and getting-to-know you quizzes. Instead, I was honest--I talked my other sister-in-law's ear off for an hour on the ride home--half-terrified that she would think I was deranged and half-thrilled to be so real.
I'm living in a state of fear and exhilaration right now. I don't have to "look good on paper"...life isn't one big cosmic job interview where I should be worried about whether you like my politics, my sensible heels, and my resume. If you do--that's great, let's be ugly together. If you don't, then I wish you well in your search for your "dream" employee. Just remember, the other candidate has smelly socks in her dresser drawer, a secret affinity for trashy Romance novels, and a nasty temper--you just cannot see it for all of the verdant green she's showing. I may be craving an escape--but, I know over there isn't better than here and now. Just different. Since I've awakened to a new inner-landscape in 2006, I'd say I have a lot of "mapping" to do anyway. Besides, the line I'm in is probably the "right one"--I just cannot see it from where I'm standing.