Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A Portrait of SILENCE

I am a woman who reflects on words like mala beads...reverent, full of prayer...
I am a woman who believes each of us has a powerful story and our life's work is to express it fully to at least one other person before our time is up...

I am a woman who creates characters with dialogue blistering across the page...

I am a woman who has published intimate poetry and essays about mothering, creativity, personal advice to myself, and a very private bout of post-partum depression...

I am a woman who has kept a journal since the age of twelve, just when most girls start losing something of their self-expression...

I am a woman who, off paper, has lost her voice...



When hurt, I retreat...I do not confront. I bear witness to life's inevitable tragedies and issues, great and small--but don't say what I should. I handle personal conflict clumsily, stumbling over words and frustration...I am "hard to know" beyond the transparent surface. There are conversations I need to have, but I find myself mute instead. Easily wounded, but I will not say so--closing myself off behind another silent wall.

Something is shifting in me lately...a change. I am no longer willing to be another woman without a voice. Perhaps it is age...or distance...or a welcome security in love and in who I have become--or the fact that I have two daughters and a son who look to me to define what a "woman" is...suddenly, I find myself clearing my throat. I find myself first whispering, then speaking out. I have miles to go before I can say I've mastered this...but--step-by-step, syllable-by-syllable...I am opening up and reclaiming my voice.
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17 Comments:

Blogger Deb R said...

Wonderful post and the last line makes me want to shout "YES!"

Your photo is beautiful.

1:42 PM  
Blogger melba said...

Poeple have always told me that I "think too much" I like this about myself. You seem to enjoy going deeper too.
I have only been reading your blog a short time, but I wondered if people tell you that too. and if it bothers you sometimes.
You might have more outlets to express yourself than me. I am constantly trying to get it all out, to write it all down because there is so much inside of me.

4:02 PM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i celebrate your voice, your awakening...and i recognize my soul in your words...

5:04 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Good for you... speak your truth. It's so important. I relate to this strongly as i have spent years covering my voice. Hearing it sing abnd shout and laugh and cry is increidibly liberating. Thanks for the post.

5:25 PM  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

LOVE the photograph! It speaks volumns.

And, I celebrate the hearing of your voice into this world.

I wholeheartedly am passionate about your philosophy of each woman having a story and are here to share it. Love that!

love you,

xxx darlene

5:31 PM  
Blogger Kim G. said...

Your voice is strong and clear and unique in so many ways as I read your blog. It's so strange to think that that doesn't always seem the case in your spoken conversations and yet, I can relate to that difference. I wrote a letter of concern/complaint to my bosses this week about an issue I feel was handled very unprofessionally. They have let me know that they'll be calling me in for a meeting to discuss the issue and that intimidates me so much more than writing the original letter. I feel like I can never get the words out of my head in the right order like I can through my fingertips at the keyboard.

Thanks for sharing this. It is encouraging and motivating to allow that voice within us to increase in volume. Blessings!

11:09 PM  
Blogger Vedrana M. said...

interesting post and photo! i wish you luck with giving your voice a chance :)
“you can, if you think you can.”

4:21 AM  
Blogger Lina said...

Great photo! I can see myself in your description, thanks for sharing. Keep on raising your voice, your words are worth to be heard.

11:38 AM  
Blogger bb said...

firstly delia, your photo is stunning. how you are flourishing in this medium of self portrait - absolutely gorgeous, everything about it!

and about your post, yes, yes, yes. i feel this shifting in me too. perhaps it is our advancing years? ;-) i want to tell my story on the page. but more and more i'm wondering of the value of this if i can't tell it off the page too....
with love x x x

12:12 PM  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

I relate to this so much. For me, learning to speak with my true voice has been a lifelong process.

And yes, the photo is lovely. It speaks and says much.

9:51 PM  
Blogger BendingPeak said...

Wonderful post. Self-discovery is a long long long journey. It takes guts to write the REAL stuff.
Keeping writing.
:)

10:59 PM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

i resonate closely with the retreating when hurt and not facing conflict. i struggle with this so much. if you have any words of wisdom...i am open.

you are always such an inspiration and a comfort...

love to you,
boho

1:55 PM  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

Appreciating all of your thoughts on this post...sharing the "imperfections" is, indeed, a challenge...

2:44 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

So often the things you post make me wish I could call you on the phone and talk with you.

I have been having the opposite conflict. I have been feeling self-conscious lately of my willingness to confront, everything. All the time. When I was a child, the secrets and things made me crazy, I think. I had to be quiet to protect, you know? Then as I found my voice, I swung the other way, never gulping my words! Out with it!! Now I feel I need to find a middle. I can't not be true to myself, but... I don't know why I am so uncomfortable with this part of me. Maybe I feel like it isn't nice... And here you are saying you are feeling stronger for finding this part of yourself! Women. Pft.

:)

5:00 PM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

I first hello to you. I have been struggling with a different version of this myself, although for me, it is voicing my emotions verses my opionions. I think that as we get older and actually take a moment to really learn about ourselves and embrace ourselves, these times of transformation become necessary. All of that deep thinking seems to be getting you to this place of transformation. Beautiful and honest post, thank you so very much.

7:48 PM  
Blogger nosthegametoo said...

I'm finding it takes more thought and effort to understand the way that I develop with age. But I also find a comfort. I wouldn't want to go back.

I liked the post a lot.

6:07 PM  
Blogger rising to the challenge said...

A beautiful photo. A beautiful image of someone reaching out to herself...

I identify with so much of what you say and admire the many accomplishments buried behind your words.

Sometimes in my own past -and indeed still now -I too have held back when I could have spoken. Spent more time rehearsing what to say, or how to say it, than actually speaking out...

I shall use your words as a reminder to go ahead and use my voice. But I must try to do so wisely...
When I read your words about how your children look to you for guidance, a shiver ran down my spine. Sometimes when I hear myself answer my sons' questions I think I sound all wrong (sometimes too deep for them to understand but also sometimes so petty and shallow that I could even be insulting their young intelligence)... it's so hard to find the right balance.
And sometimes it's so hard because they ask SO MANY damn questions!... It's tempting sometimes to just feed them with kiddy talk but also so hard to find the right measure, the appropriate teachings, the right words...

But we've got to keep trying.
And trust our own voice. Right?

8:33 PM  

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