I missed a day of NaBloPoMo yesterday...so now I am catching up and also catching my breath at the tail end of a busy weekend. Fall is in its full glory right here, right now. Reaching its zenith just before all of the trees are suddenly naked and the wind is suddenly so fierce we cannot spend whole days luxuriating outside anymore. At first, I don't even mind winter a bit--the chance to wrap up in thick knitted scarves and hats is much too appealing to complain about the darkness and the biting temperatures. But, eventually, I begin to covet springtime like a jealous lover...desperate to get back into the green again.
The football team won their last game but boy-o was so sad to see the season end, he went out to console himself with ice cream and to watch college games on a big screen tv at a local restaurant. The John Butler Trio put on an amazing show...the kind where your body moves all through the performance and your ears are ringing in your bed at night. It was nothing like the subdued poetic lyrics of Josh Ritter on Wednesday night, but this was all about the sound of the guitar (a gleaming 12-string), bass (a black upright), and drums (which never stopped in their driving rhythm for even a moment). There were family events celebrating a baby coming and a baby already here...and a writing session so productive and inspiring, I am still feeling drunk on words even now.
There were also several opportunities this weekend for me to learn how to hang close to my truth and what feels right for me, in spite of however it may look to other people. I have always been the woman who wants everyone else to think positive things about her...if not, I would plunge into despair about what I could have done differently to make them more impressed, more accepting, or even more proud of me. No more. Now, I am completely willing to piss people off and (honestly) not worry about it later on. I am willing to be vulnerable--to walk away if that's what I want to do--to follow my own inner guidance rather than bow to what I think may make "people" happy. There is still quite a learning curve with this, but it is new growth in my life--and I am feeling such gratitude for it.
I may be holding onto fall, but I am letting go of my fears and self-doubts for the very first time. Sometimes, true gifts can only find us in the unexpected spaces we get by accepting the emptiness of our open hands.